Bun de nimic

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Ăsta l-am scris mai demult, da’-s chiar bine acuma, da?

Pe ăsta. Cazul acuzativ.

Citisem recent ceva despre sindromul impostorului, cre’că la Sebi Olar, că el suferă pe Internet de tăte.

Io n-am.

Nu mă-nţelegeţi greşit – toţi credem că nu suntem buni de nimic. Şi unii chiar nu suntem. Şi unii sunteţi*. Doar că unii nu suntem impostori. Nu zic că-s mai breaz. Să nu fii impostor nu te face brusc bun de ceva.

Doar că eu sunt într-o postură bună (pentru mine): nu-s bun de nimic, ştiu că nu-s bun de nimic, zic, şi, pe cale de consecinţă, nici n-am ce să conving pe nimeni. Aş vrea să fiu bun de orice sau măcar bun la câte ceva. Dar nu-s.

Paradoxal, să nu fii bun de nimic şi să nu fii impostor e mai bine decât să, în ordine:

– fii bun de ceva şi să nu ştii

– fii bun de ceva şi să ştii şi să oboseşti pe toată lumea cu asta

– crezi că eşti bun de ceva sau chiar orice (să nu ştii că eşti impostor, practic)

Apropo, dacă eşti bun de ceva, eşti bun doar cât ajută altcuiva, că n-are nimeni chef de cât eşti tu de bun la ceva, în general.

(Vă rog să-mi corectaţi conjugările verbului “a fi” în frazele de mai sus, mersi. Conjugaţi şi la feminin, pentru diversitate în genuri, fiindcă nici ele nu-s bune de nimic, în egală măsură, la fel ca bărbaţii, fapt care este în acelaşi timp atât progresist, cât şi misogin.)

Dar, până una-alta, e mai uşor să fii bun de nimic şi să ştie lumea, decât să fii bun de nimic (cum e de obicei cazul) şi lumea că creadă ce eşti bun de orice sau, mai rău, să chiar fii bun de ceva anume. Că apoi tot trebuie să fii.

La fel de ciudat, de ce există sindromul impostorului, în primul rând? De ce să zici că eşti altceva şi cum să-ncerci să fii ceva ce-ai minţit? Şi cât? În cel mai bun caz, mi-e lene. Şi, din nou, lumea reacţionează surprinzător de bine la a fi bun de nimic făţiş. Luaţi ca exemplu toate fostele mele prietene.

***

Aici am scris o propoziţie pe care n-o mai înţeleg acum. Era probabil foarte profundă, dar e pe ceva foaie din decembrie 2017, deci mă piş pe profunzimea ei, iar pe aşteptările voastre mă chiar cac, că nu-i de parcă plătiţi abonament la Jeg.

[Era important pă naiba.]

***

Problema (voastră) cu faptul că-s sincer zicând că nu-s bun de nimic e că nu mă crede lumea.

Lumea ştie de impostori, că e impostoare şi ea. Impostura în sine e futilă. Să nu fii bun de ceva e de aşteptat; zisul că eşti de nimic e de neconceput. De apreciat aproape, după ce te aduni un pic.

***

Nu ştiu dacă aţi observat în ultimii 14 ani (da, Jegul a făcut 14 ani păstă weekend) că despărţitoarele astea de mai sus nu au neapărat vreo utilitate.

Dar, dat fiind că nu mă mai îmbăt ca un puber în Boiler la 5 dimineaţa pe 25 de shoturi de Jäger de la Teo, trebuie să reproduc autenticitatea lipsei de sens a Jegului prin scrisul său pe foi peşin, după care să le ţin în buzunarul de la spate de la blugi timp de un anotimp şi apoi să-ncerc să le copiez pe Internet.

14 ani. Cât avea Sorel (nu mai am la ce-i pune link, că nu mai locuieşte pe Internet), când a făcut backendu’ Jegului. Cât avea Livia, când am cunoscut-o şi căreia ulterior i-am respectat-o backendu’ până pe 4 decembrie 2014, conform legii. (Ea doar pe Jeg a contat să existe.)

***

Ce ne-ncântă cel mai mult e să deconspirăm pe cineva care nu e bun de nimic. Dacă descoperim un impostor, altul, înseamnă că cineva nu ne-a descoperit pe noi – încă un argument să recunoaştem cât de buni de nimic suntem. Nu ne mai caută nimeni. (Tăt nu ne crede, da’ măcar nu ne mai caută.)

* Nu mai ştiu ce observaţie voiam să fac. Cred că ceva modest, cum îmi stă-n fire, cum că doar voi aţi fi buni de ceva.

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