“Articolul fatidic!” am mai zis, deci îmi trebuie alt titlu.

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Acest material efervescent a fost publicat sub intense presiuni şi maşinaţiuni potrivnice, conţinutul său exploziv referitor la cum am căzut eu în cur şi Marius Iulian trimiţând frisoane de groază până la cele mai înalte nivele ale grupului meu de prieteni, care au constantul presentiment că ochiul circumspect al opiniei publice mondiale stă cu refreshu’ la RSS-ul Jeg de parcă s-ar fi rupt funia de tras apa la Wikileaks şi stă să dea p-afară.

Se fac două săptămâni de când am căzut în cur. Din picioare. M-am prăvălit cu într-atât aplomb, încât impactul m-a propulsat îndărăt în poziţie normală. Coboram până în beci să văd dacă nu cumva s-a dezlegat cineva şi de atunci mă doare curul. Nu la noadă, am stabilit.

Nu neapărat undeva anume, dar în nişte circumstanţe foarte precise: când strănut, reflex care a devenit acum un plânset preventiv. Respectiv când urmează să eliberez gazele din intestine prin anus. Ceea ce nu am reuşit să duc până la capăt în perioada imediat postmergătoare nefericitului accident.

Puterea cu care am picat m-a frapat, rămânându-mi să presupun că m-a tras în jos fie cât sunt de gras, fie cât sunt de prost, fie energia disipată din conflictul corpului meu de a se se dovedi mai gras decât prost şi invers.

Totuşi, planeta Pământ nu s-a lăsat luată prin surprindere de gravitaţie şi m-a respins imediat, într-o perpetuă convergenţă dintre forţele fizice externe şi slăbiciunile emoţionale interne.

Gravele consecinţe s-au făcut vizibile de îndată, cu precădere asupra activităţii mele favorite: statul în însuşi acelaşi cur, cu burta adineaori amintă în sus. Am ajuns constrâns la cea mai apropiată alternativă, mult prea istovitoarea întoarcere de pe-o bucă pe cealaltă.

Cumplitul blestem mi se putea arăta numai mie: o accidentare care să mă împiedice de la a nu face nimic. Fiindcă nu mă doare doar dacă stau în picioare, făcând ceva.

Necazul ăsta mă obligă să fac, ceea ce mă expune, cum ar fi, de pildă, la Marius Iulian. Despre el ştiţi, dar vă rog să mai recuperaţi: în ultimii ani şi-a strâns bani să-şi ia Vespa, dar şi-a luat de ei iPad ca să nu aibă ce face cu el şi iPhone, ca să aibă şi ceva util, decizie timpurie şi cumpătată, fiindcă urma să fie vândut degrabă ca să-şi ia de bani un câine de rasă. De la iPad s-a oprit în ultima clipită să-l vândă pentru a-i lua căţelului o zgardă de designer (fiindcă aşa ceva există), doar fiindcă trebuia să şi-l vândă ca să-şi ia înapoi un iPhone.

E biznis, nu vă bateţi căpşoarele. M-a sunat chiar deunăzi de pe el să mă întrebe cât consuma motorul meu, că el ar vrea un speedbike. Că i-l dă cineva pe puţini bani dintre cei pe care nu-i are şi-l chiar aşteaptă cu ei, să nu-i facă. Singurul neajuns e că ar consum mult, vreo 10 la sută… da’ e logic, cumva, fiindcă merge tare, prinde 310. Da’ nu are a face, că lui i-l trebuie mai mult prin oraş. Deci n-ar merge aşa tare, doar ar consuma de parcă. În schimb, nu s-ar da mult, deci nici n-ar avea ce să prea consume. Practic, numa’ ar fi dator.

La momentul scrierii acestor rânduri, Marius îşi mai calculase priorităţile. Acestea sunt acum un scuter, deoarece consumă mult mai puţin. O gândire riguroasă, alături de faptul că ar costa mai mult decât motorul, însă tot din bani pe care nu-i are urmează să fie procurat.

Toate aceste aspecte sunt totuşi derizorii, mai multă miorlăială cauzând crearea acestui articol şi nu achiziţiile impulsive ale diverselor tâmpenii strict pentru devalorizarea lor imediată şi vânzarea la dumping pentru achiziţionarea altor tâmpenii.

***

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Mai multe prosteli, în Registrul Diverse!

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