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Vorbim, desigur, despre Mirmen, cândva o femeie normală, nu ne mai amintim cu exactitate perioada…

Mamă-mea are o obsesie patologică nediagnosticată cu aloe vera. Zic nediagnosticată, fiindcă psihiatria are şi ea limitările sale bugetare şi poate alte priorităţi.

În tot acest răstimp, când mamă-mea încearcă se se poziţioneze pe o nişă neexploatată între nebunele din bloc (fiind acum la egalitate cu bunica Raisei, de la etajul 1), tată-meu e tot mai îngrijorat de faptul că mâţele de prin curte încep să fie hrănite de către Mirmen cu SOMON, în opoziţie cu parizer şi pulpe de pui, ca până acum şi în opoziţie cu a fi hrănit tată-meu însuşi.

Aşa… şi fixul ei, zic, e aloe vera. Fiecare avem câte-o pasiune vinovată. Gimel să înjure pe oricine la comentarii. Biblel să tot vină pe Jeg să anunţe că el nu mai vine pe Jeg. Hudrel îl are pe Boc. Camelia Imbuzan îl are pe Barack Obama, cu care a verificat în horoscop dacă e compatibilă după data de naştere cu Barack Obama. Eu să mă înşele prietenele cu foştii lor prieteni.

Însă mamă-mea e victima neajutorată a publicităţii, dacă este menţionată aloe vera. S-a început cu balsamul de rufe, deşi aloe vera n-are neapărat o particularitate olfactivă plăcută sau vreo aromă perceptibilă. Apoi, pe baza altor calităţi pe care nu le are aloe vera şi au trebuit inventate, s-a continuat cu cremă de aloe vera, cu care trebuia să ne dăm după ce veneam de la ştrand când eram mici, având spontant probleme cu pielea, în viziunea mamă-mii, care probabil de aia ne şi trimitea la cupercăraia aia insalubră.

Grija asta în contextul în care, ca o paranteză, îl îmbuiba “cum dădea zăpada” pe Moafle cu granule de calciu şi magneziu, că “părea cam străveziu”, până l-a dus la medic de străveziu, deoarece fireşte că făcuse supradozaj de calciu şi magneziu.

La un moment dat, creştea o aloe vera!!! Cu seva căreia ne dădea pe tăieturi, că “are un puternic efect terapeutic”, desigur. Sunt aproape convins, privind acum retrospectiv, că ne lăsa nesupravegheaţi intenţionat, ca să aibă ocazia să ne dezinfecteze cu aloe vera ei preţioasă. Pentru că, practic, ne agăţam prin casă de un cactus!

Orişicum, mamă-mea crede orice din comerţ, dacă-i cu aloe vera. Recent, a venit acasă cu un bax de şerveţele, să mă şterg urgent cu toate la nas… că cică-s antialergice. Adică, în contextul în care fiă-su lucrează în advertising, ea a stat şi a ascultat cum o fâţă de aia, de-i dăm noi 20 de lei pă zi, să împartă cubuleţe de salam şi păhărele de maioneză, o convinge de ce să procure şerveţele antialergice. Cre’că o cunoştea de pe la colegi şi i-a zis că-s cu aloe vera, că altfel nu-mi explic.

Formula AS a rămas de mult în urmă. Mamă-mea a evoluat hipstăreşte de la tinctură de propolis şi bitter suedez. A intrat recent pe piaţa din Zalău sucul ăla. Care? Ăla cu aloe vera. Un fel de zamă cu nişte mormoloci (fătaţi de aloe vera, cel mai sigur) plutind în el, având proprietatea miraculoasă de a-ţi rămâne-ntre măsele. Curând mâţele din curtea din spatele blocului vor avea boluri cu aloe vera la discreţie.

Probabil mamă-mea va fi tratată cândva. Probabil cu aloe vera.

***

Am gândit o soluţie pentru vindecarea bucureştenilor de apatia asta a lor specifică, asta care-i face zilnic să bucureştenească robotizaţi, de nu-ncăpem de ei pe stradă, în drum spre a ne face noi treaba ardelenească pentru care am venit.

Am cumulat pârghiile acestei soluţii sub egida unitară a unui eveniment în mai multe ediţii neanunţate pe parcursul anului, intitulate Zilele Uşilor Deschise Pe Partea Opusă A Peronului La Care Tocmai Am Sosit. Lăsând astfel o selecţie oarecumva ajutată să-şi urmeze cursul natural în deversarea balastului uman. Sigur, o să pierdem în acest proces şi câţiva tweeterişti mai concentraţi. Însă erau concentraţi să se urmărească între ei, deci nici o pagubă. Iar clasa muncitore care oricum moţăie până la capăt de linie n-o să fie afectată.

Din motive de eficienţă, trebuie să evităm suprapunerea cu campionatele de să vedem câţi pensionari mai încap urlând că este loc în fiecare autobuz, după ce acesta s-a umplut până la refuz, ca apoi să călătorească doar până la prima staţie, până unde fie au greşit direcţia ori n-au nimica de făcut de la început, în afară să se întoarcă cu alt mijloc de transport supraplin.

***

La mine-n bloc vine unu’ la una s-o fută din clipita în care i s-a deschis uşa. Cred că operează liftul cu pula sculată, în timp ce se dezbracă urcând. Cre’că stă uşă-n uşă fata, pentru că înaintea fiecărei sesiune există scoasă-n faţa uşii o pungă de Billa cu gunoi care dispare ulterior. Nu ştiu dacă ascunde ceva feromoni, de-i transmit ăluia că asta nu-i pă ciclu sau l-a dresat să facă şi el ceva util, cât tot pleacă. Ştiu că urmează, deoarece îi ţârâie interfonul preţ de o câteva sutimi de secundă. Aia nu cred că stă neapărat cu degetul pe buton, fiindcă se aud tropăituri. Ori se deplasează foarte exaltată, ori ţopăie de încântare. Cert e că e foarte promptă în a-l lăsa în incintă, aproape la fel de promt pe cât e el când ajunge sus. Fiindcă nu se aude bine uşa de la lift deschizându-se, că începe să troncăne în peretele meu ceva ce pot defini doar drept un scăunel pe care par să aibă ei plăcerea să şi-o dea animalic. Cât scade randamentul, ea suplineşte fonic cu nişte behăieli, cert e că trebuie să fie tare zgomot, probabil ca să se convingă ce bine e, în condiţiile în care domnul o fi având probleme erectile şi nu durează mult, motiv pentru care şi atâta grabă.

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